The Hidden Patterns That Prime You To Easily React To Your Child

Why You're Already at Your Limit Before the Hard Moments Begin

Do you ever feel like you're ready to react the moment you're with your child — even if you’ve had some time to yourself that day?

Or maybe you find yourself easily irritated and antsy during the bedtime routine, just desperate for the day to be over… and even the smallest demand from your child feels like too much?

You’re not alone.

What if I told you that your nervous system may have already been mounting a stress response long before that parenting moment ever happened?

In today’s episode,we’re going to talk about six common nervous system survival patterns that so many mothers live in without even realizing it — patterns like overdoing, rushing, perfectionism, and self-criticism — that leave you depleted, reactive, and feeling like you’re failing.

We’ll explore how these patterns form, how they impact your parenting, and what you can start doing today to gently shift them — not by doing more, but by connecting back to your body, your rhythms, and your worth.

Let’s begin.

Why I Snapped — Even After Having Time to Myself

I had a couple of hours of time to myself today.

At first, it felt like a gift — time to catch up, time to breathe.

But almost immediately, I could feel my system revving up. All I could think about was my to-do list. I had so much I wanted to get done before I spent the rest of the day with my son. I felt this pressure to maximize every minute — so I stacked my schedule, rushed from task to task, and avoided slowing down.

About halfway through my list, I could feel my energy start to dwindle… but nope. I didn’t stop. I pushed through. I told myself, “This is my only chance to get this stuff done.”

And when I got to the end of that list — or most of it — I felt a hit of accomplishment. I felt like I was succeeding at life. That feeling? It was a rare one — because I rarely feel that way when I’m with my son, who is so unpredictable and hard to control. But this? This I could control. And it felt good.

Then I re-entered life with my son… still stuck in that rushing energy.

He felt it right away.

He started to escalate. I felt irritated. Agitated. I had just pushed through the whole afternoon — and now I wanted things to go smoothly with him…I wanted us to enjoy this time together. But I was tired. Dysregulated.

We both eventually calmed — we connected — but I found my mind racing again… thinking about the things I hadn’t finished, the emails I needed to respond to, the work deliverable that I forgot about, the next things to do. My mind was wondering when I’d get the chance to do them. 

Then I was late making dinner, and if I’m late making dinner then bedtime gets pushed, and if bedtime gets pushed, then my son likes to push it even more…So I felt this surge of fear, worrying about what would happen tonight, already bracing for a hard night.   So I started to rush through making dinner like I was in a competition against time. 

My son came into the kitchen and he wanted me to do something for him…he sensed my rushing energy and annoyance so he immediately activated and I had to drop what I was doing and focus on him.  

After my son’s activation, I felt I needed a break just to come down a little and recharge, but dinner was even later now, and I was worried if his blood sugar got too low we would be in for a rough night, so I pushed through again.

We got through dinner, although at a slow pace, and after dinner I was really tired, but there were dishes to be done.  I thought about leaving them until tomorrow and then I heard this thought… “oh just get it done now…I don’t like a dirty messy kitchen.”

Then night came… and my son didn’t want to sleep. He dug his heels in and insisted I stay up.

I snapped. I lost my cool. Because I was over-tired, over-revved, and my nervous system just couldn’t push anymore.

Then what always comes after that is this critical self-talk: “why couldn’t I have stayed calmer…why can’t I do it all and stay calm?”

So what happened here?

The Hidden Patterns That Leave Us Primed to React

What happened was this:

I had spent the entire day stuck in a set of nervous system survival patterns.
Patterns that, on the outside, looked like being productive, responsible, or even necessary, right? I mean - we have to get things done and we often don’t have enough time to get stuff done because we spend so much of our time co-regulating our high needs kids.
 

But underneath? They were stress responses. Ways I had learned — long ago — to stay safe, be lovable, and feel in control and successful.

These patterns didn’t just exhaust me — they left me with no capacity to meet my child in his dysregulation.  I had already used up everything my system had to give.

And I see this so often in the mothers I work with — and in myself. We think we’re just being efficient or responsible or even caring, but we’re actually caught in patterns of overdoing, overthinking, and overriding our needs. And these patterns come at a cost: they prime us to react with our kids.

Let me walk you through the 6 most common survival patterns that do this — and how they might show up in your everyday life.

1. Constantly Doing

This looks like:

• Always cleaning, organizing, or tidying something
  
  
• Filling every spare moment with something “productive”
  
  
• Only allowing rest after everything is done (and it's never done)
  
  

The hidden belief:

“I’m not worthy or good enough unless I’m productive.”

This is a Sympathetic survival response — the part of your nervous system that stays in motion because slowing down feels unsafe. And for many of us, rest was never modeled or allowed growing up.

And then there is the real reality of our situations too - that there is a lot of stuff to get done and certain things just do need to get done daily…So I’m not trying to bypass any of that.  I recognize the reality that there is always something to do, especially if we spend most of our time helping and co-regulating our child, there truly is stuff to get done when you have some space and time…This is a truth…AND….AND…there is also the truth that the pattern is there, mounting more stress than needed today, with a survival drive behind it.  So can we notice and allow that both may be involved here. 

2. Pushing Through

This shows up as:

• Forcing yourself to keep going even when your body is saying stop
  
  
• Revving yourself up to “get through the day”
  
  
• Saying yes to others when you need to say no
  
  

The beliefs underneath can be:

“It’s not safe to follow my instincts or needs.”

“It’s not safe to say no to others”...or… “It’s not safe to do nothing and rest…that’s lazy…that’s not good enough.”

You may have learned that rest wasn’t acceptable — or that your needs came last. This pattern of override is one of the most common paths to burnout and it usually starts in childhood but gets exacerbated through parenting our high needs kids because of the level of demands there is on our nervous system to both meet their needs and still be able to do the daily tasks of living.

I talk about this a lot in my podcast about Why You Can’t Relax, so you can listen to Episode 8 or read the blog on my website to more deeply understand why it’s so hard to allow yourself to relax and rest. 

3. Rushing

This can look like:

• Frantically getting kids out the door for school
  
  
• Multi-tasking dinner, laundry, and bedtime routines with urgency
  
  
• Feeling like you’re always running behind or letting someone down
  
  

The beliefs that drive this:

“If I’m late or don’t meet expectations, I’ll be judged, rejected, or seen as lazy.”

“If I’m not on time or on schedule, then I’m failing or some catastrophe will happen.” 

This is often wired in by early environments that equated worth with timeliness or obedience. It’s a fear-based pattern masquerading as responsibility.

4. Perfectionism

This shows up as:

• Needing everything to be “just right” before you can relax
  
  
• Being uncomfortable when your parenting, home, or appearance feels “off”
  
  
• Trying to control your child’s behavior so things feel predictable and you feel like you’re being a good enough parent
  
  

The root belief:

“I need to be perfect to be lovable, accepted, safe and successful.”

Perfectionism is a survival strategy. When mistakes weren’t safe growing up, or we were compared to others - or compared ourselves to others who seemed to be able to ‘do it all’ or were better than us - our nervous system learned that being flawless might help us avoid criticism or rejection, and feel more successful and good enough in life. 

5. Self-Criticism

This pattern sounds like:

• “I’m doing it all wrong.”
  
  
• “I should have handled that better.”
  
  
• “Why can’t I just be more patient?”
  
  

The underlying belief:

“If I’m hard on myself, I’ll improve. I’m not good enough as I am.”

Self-criticism is so common.  Every mom I work with has a hard time with this one.  It’s so part of our culture to instill in us that if we are hard on ourselves then we will do better.

But here’s the truth: Shame doesn’t help us grow. Compassion does. Self-criticism is trying to protect us so we don’t feel the shame — it’s a way our system tries to “fix” us so we won’t be hurt again.  And this takes a lot of energy and can be very depleting on the nervous system. Compassion nurtures the nervous system and fuels energy…Self-criticism depletes it and keeps the nervous system stuck in survival mode. 

6. Worrying and Ruminating

This pattern includes:

• Replaying things that went wrong
  
  
• Prepping for every worst-case scenario
  
  
• Constantly thinking ahead: “What if bedtime is awful? What if he melts down in public?”
  
  

The belief underneath:

“I’m only safe if I stay focused on the past or future. The present isn’t safe.”

This hypervigilance is your nervous system’s way of trying to protect you. But it robs you of peace — and keeps you from the present, where regulation happens.

And the only way we can truly regulate our kids is if we are in the present moment. 

The Nervous System Cost of These Patterns

Here’s the nervous system reality:

These survival patterns aren’t just mental habits — they are physiological states rooted in early life experiences of relational and attachment stress.

When you live inside them all day, your body is constantly in Sympathetic dominance — the fight-flight zone. Even if you’re not visibly agitated, your body is pumping stress hormones and running in overdrive.

Overshooting and the Stress Load

And much of the time we are doing something that is called “overshooting”...because we are so tired, we need to push and mount more sympathetic energy to get things done, but often we mount more than we actually use, meaning all this excess energy and stress hormones get trapped in your system, leaving you more agitated afterwards.

And the longer you stay in these patterns, overdriving the sympathetic system and not giving your nervous system its natural breaks to come back to rest and repair, the closer you get to your threshold — the point where your system can’t take any more.

That’s why a single demand from your child — a tantrum, a refusal, a messy mistake — can send you into:

• A Sympathetic reactive snap (irritation, yelling, control)
  
  
• Or a shutdown collapse (numbness, fatigue, emotional withdrawal)
  
  

Because your body has been fighting for survival all day.
 

And your child’s behavior? It’s just the final straw.

The Parenting Impact

This is why so many of us feel like we’re constantly failing, or “too reactive,” or “not calm enough.”

It’s not because we’re broken.

It’s because we are already depleted before the moment of challenge even begins.

These patterns — when lived in daily — leave us without the nervous system fuel we need for co-regulation, connection, and presence with our kids.

And the thing is that most parents who come to me wanting to regulate and be calmer in the face of their child’s challenges believe that it’s all about the intense moments with their child and that is the work.  Yes - that is a big part of the work, but if you want to be more regulated with your kids and in life, it’s also so important to notice these other patterns that come up that keep your nervous system revving and depleted at the same time. 

The Way Back to You

How do we heal these patterns? 

The healing path begins not with control or discipline — but with awareness.

Start by noticing:

“Which of these patterns do I find myself doing on a regular basis?” 

Notice how you feel that pattern show up in your body. Notice the sympathetic activation in your body and what that feels like.  Be with that activation for a moment so you can get to know it.  Feel the urgency and the drive.

Acknowledge that this pattern is a survival pattern trying to keep you safe in some way. 

Then interrupt that pattern with a cue of safety:

Perhaps ask: “What does my nervous system need to feel just a little bit safer?”

Perhaps it’s coming back into the present by orienting to the room and noticing a glimmer or something comforting…or feeling the ground under your feet or bum in the chair…or thinking of a place in nature where you feel calm and relaxed. 

Perhaps it’s using some calming words with yourself like: “It’s okay to rest. I’m allowed to slow down.”

These are all cues of safety you can bring to your body so you can come back to you

Notice the body and muscles softening a little and ride that wave to more softening and relaxing. 

Then try this:

• Engage in your task — not from pressure or perfection — but from presence.
  
  
• Allow your worth to be unhooked from your output.
  
  
• Take small breaks. Follow your rhythms. Let your body recover.
  
  

Even one moment of doing this begins to rewire your nervous system.

And many little moments of doing this helps build a nervous system that is grounded in more safety and regulation. 

You Are Not Your Patterns

Always remember that YOU are not your patterns.  YOU are the awareness behind your survival patterns.

AND, it’s important to understand that being a regulated parent starts long before your child escalates.

It starts in the moment you choose not to override your fatigue, if you can.
It starts when you pause instead of rush.
When you show yourself kindness instead of criticism.
When you give yourself permission to rest, even if the list isn’t done.

And even give yourself permission to feel good enough and successful even if nothing gets done. 

You are the parent of a hypersensitive, high needs child who has more on her plate than the average parent.  Try not to compare yourself to others or even the old you pre-kids who could get a lot done before.  

The survival patterns will always want you to do more and be more…and these survival patterns were wise at one point.  They protected you.  But now — they’re keeping you from the version of yourself you’re trying to become.

The version of you that is grounded.
Present.
Compassionate.
And able to meet your child with the love they need — not because you’re perfect,
But because you’re regulated.

If this episode/article resonated with you, please do write to me and let me know, and please subscribe to my YouTube, Apple or Spotify Channels, and share this with another parent who may need it.