You Are Not Your Activation: Becoming the Awareness Behind Your Mind and Body

If you want to listen to a discussion of this blog article, then you can listen on The Regulated Mother Podcast, by Afshan Tafler on Apple or Spotify

A Moment That Changed Everything

I remember a time when my son and I were caught in a painful cycle—one that seemed impossible to break. Every time we were alone together, we’d fall into the same reactive pattern.

He would be in a state of intense anxiety—pacing, asking for things nonstop, needing me to text his caregiver and his dad over and over again, looping through his worries with no relief. I could hold steady for hours, staying present, helping him through. But eventually, the stress in my own body would mount. The constant demands, the emotional intensity—it would reach a breaking point. My system would become overloaded, and I’d shift into agitation.

And just like that, the rupture would begin. My reactivity would activate his even more. He would spiral. I would shut down or lash out. We were stuck. Over and over again.

His nervous system was bracing for threat the moment we entered that dynamic. And so was mine.

And then—something changed.

One day, after doing ongoing work to become the awareness of my own nervous system responses, I could feel the pattern starting again. But this time, I stayed present. I didn’t get swept away. I noticed the rising tension. I watched the familiar surge of pressure in my chest, the tightening in my jaw.

But instead of reacting, I became the watcher of it...I witnessed it.

And from that witnessing came a calm I hadn’t felt in those moments before. I felt okay being with the discomfort—my own and his. I felt space. I felt choice.

And most importantly, I felt something new: I felt my essence.

There was a flow of presence moving through me that wasn’t performative or pressured. In the past, I had tried to shift our dynamic by doing something silly or creative—making faces, cracking a joke, or pulling out a distraction. But those attempts had always carried a hidden attachment to an outcome. I was trying to get my son to behave better. I was doing it for a change, not from my truth.

But this time, there was no grasping. No goal. Just presence. Just essence. And it felt true. Free.

From that space, something spontaneous happened: I stood up, shook my bum, and started dancing around the room. It was light. It was silly. And it was pure.

My son laughed. I laughed. The energy shifted.

He felt me—the real me. Not the reactive mother. Not the strained fixer. But the calm, present, playful version of me that had been waiting to be felt.

And he resonated with it.

He softened. He came back to himself.

And just like that, we broke the pattern.

That moment wasn’t just a parenting win. It was a nervous system breakthrough. A moment of healing.

You Are Not Your Activation

As a parent of a hypersensitive, high-needs child, there are moments when the overwhelm is so intense it feels like your body and mind are betraying you. Rage surges through your chest. Panic takes over your breath. Numbness leaves you frozen. It’s easy to believe these responses are you. That you are the anger. That you are the shutdown.

But here’s a truth I’ve come to know through my own healing journey:

You are not your activation.

You are not the fight, flight, freeze, or collapse response. You are not the anxious mind racing with catastrophic thoughts. You are not the flooded nervous system.

You are the one who can witness all of that.

And that shift—from identifying as your mind and body to becoming the awareness of them—is at the very heart of nervous system healing. 

A Mind-Body-Soul Perspective (But Only If It Serves You)

I personally believe we are souls living in human bodies—bodies and minds that are conditioned by trauma (including generational trauma), culture, and early experiences. This body-mind is the vehicle we inhabit for a time, but it’s not the whole of who we are.

I don’t share this to convince you to adopt the same belief. What I hope to offer instead is a possibility: that no matter what you believe, there is immense healing in realizing that you can observe your thoughts, emotions, and body states rather than being consumed by them.

That you can become the awareness behind it all.

What Science Says About Awareness

This isn’t just a spiritual idea. Neuroscience is starting to catch up to what many ancient traditions have long taught: that consciousness and awareness are distinct from thoughts and emotions.

Dr. Dan Siegel’s work in interpersonal neurobiology introduces the concept of mindsight—the ability to perceive your own mind. In his “Wheel of Awareness” model, consciousness is the central hub, and our sensations, thoughts, feelings, and experiences are the spokes.

This means you can actually observe your mental and physical experience, instead of being lost inside of it. And when you observe it, you’re no longer drowning in it—you’re holding it, with presence.

Neuroscience is also beginning to recognize that awareness may not be just a byproduct of brain activity. Dr. Dan Siegel suggests that consciousness might arise from a deeper field of possibility beyond the brain, while studies on meditation, the default mode network, and embodied cognition show that awareness is something we can cultivate, not just think about. In other words, you are not just your brain’s programming—you are the awareness that can witness it, hold it, and even transform it.

Your Nervous System Is Conditioned—But You Are Not

The nervous system is brilliantly wired for survival. It learns from past threats—real or perceived—and responds with lightning speed. So when your child melts down, hits, screams, or rejects you, your system might launch into old, familiar patterns of fight, flight, freeze, or collapse.

These aren’t flaws. They’re adaptive responses wired by past experience.

But they are not who you are.

When you begin to notice these states as patterns rather than personal defects, everything changes. Instead of “I’m angry,” it becomes “Anger is here.” Instead of “I’m failing,” it becomes “My mind is telling me I’m not enough.”

And that noticing—that awareness—is a ventral vagal act. Becoming aware of the pattern your nervous system automatically went into (that you didn’t consciously choose - it chose for you), helps to bring in ventral vagal energy to hold space for the sympathetic fight/flight or dorsal vagal freeze/shutdown reactions that are happening in your system.  It brings in the regulating influence of safety, connection, and compassion to the activation.

This awareness is YOU. The real you.

Being With vs. Being Taken Over

When we believe we are the body and mind, we become hijacked by the survival responses. We lash out, shut down, spiral, or numb.

But when we can be with the reaction instead of being taken over by it, we’re already shifting into regulation.

Being with means saying: “Oh, I see you, anxiety. I feel you, tension. I notice you, rage.”

It means holding space for the activation instead of becoming it.

This is where healing happens. Not by getting rid of the reactions, but by witnessing them with presence. With compassion. With safety.

And this is where you begin to realize that you are not your reactions.

Parenting a Hypersensitive Child Through Awareness

If you’re raising a highly sensitive, reactive child, you already know how challenging it is to stay regulated. Their big emotions can activate every old wound, every unmet need and expectation, every piece of internalized shame.

But awareness changes the game.

When you can become the witness to your own nervous system in those intense moments, you create a pause. A breath. A choice.

You move from reacting at your child to responding to and with them.  

This is co-regulation—born of awareness—and it is one of the greatest gifts you can offer.

Not perfection. Not control. But presence.

Your True Self Helps Your Child Return to Theirs

When you’re anchored in your true self—calm, grounded, aware—your child can feel it. Their nervous system picks up on your regulated energy. And in that moment, they’re given a new possibility: to resonate with your calm instead of staying stuck in their chaos.

Because just like you are not your activation, your child is not theirs.

When you hold that awareness—that their behaviors are not who they truly are, but the product of a nervous system in threat mode—you bring clarity, compassion, and curiosity to your parenting. You see through the behavior to the child who is struggling underneath.

This is powerful.

You become a mirror of regulation. And when you reflect back safety and presence, your child starts to believe in their own wholeness again. They learn that they are not broken. That they are not bad. That they are not their behaviors.

This lessens shame for them—and for you. And in that shared relief, healing begins.

Who You Really Are Beneath It All

The more you live from awareness, the more you begin to meet the You that exists beneath the survival programming.

You meet your true Self—with a capital S.

This true Self - who you truly are - already holds the qualities of calm, clear, connected, confident, creative. Who you really are has always been there, even under layers of pain and protection that hide it so well and can take you over.

And as your child asks to be seen for who they really are, you are invited into the same transformation: to meet your authentic Self. To shed the conditioned roles. To step into the truth of who you’ve always been.

This Path Has Meaning

These struggles, this pain, this path—it’s not random.

The exhaustion and despair, the moments you think you can’t go on, the years of chronic stress—none of it is meaningless.

It’s a sacred invitation to grow. To heal. To remember who you really are. And this really begins with Awareness.

Even if trauma shaped your nervous system. Even if you’ve lived in survival mode for years. You are not broken. You are the Awareness of the broken feeling and beliefs. 

There is a powerful being inside you—wise, whole, and deeply resilient. And awareness is the bridge that reconnects you to that Self.

Let your child guide you home.

Not just to them—but to you.

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The Invitation

I invite you to get really curious and ponder this:

What if you are not your reactions…
Not your critical thoughts, not your needs or expectations…
Not even your conditioned body and mind?

In the coming days, can you set an intention to become the watcher—the one who witnesses your reactions and thoughts?

Start with something small.
Notice the urge to grab more chips or sweets.
Notice the subtle agitation when things don’t go as expected.
Notice what happens in your body when you feel late or rushed.
Just notice. No fixing. No judgment.

Feel the pattern.
Feel the impulse.
Feel the urge arise…
And then—become the one who watches it.

See what happens.
You may find that by becoming the watcher, you’re no longer consumed by the experience.
You create space. The activation begins to soften. Even just a little.

And in that space, you may feel something else emerge…

A quiet energy. A gentle presence. A sense of who you really are.

That is your essence.
That is your true Self.

And don’t worry if you don’t feel it right away. This takes practice. Repetition. Compassion.

But once you begin to feel that presence within you, remember it. Because this is the YOU that you want to bring into your interactions with your child.

Because when you meet them from your true Self—present, grounded, and aware—
you give them the chance to return to their true Self too.