Wired for Connection: How a Mother’s Nervous System is Designed to Feel Her Child

If you want to listen to a discussion of this blog article, then you can listen on The Regulated Mother Podcast, by Afshan Tafler on Apple or Spotify

It was a usual day in our household a few years back. I would wake up with barely enough time to meet my own basic needs before my son needed me. He’s always been anxious in the mornings, requiring a lot of care and co-regulation. So I’d tend to him first, then attempt to make food for both of us—constantly juggling between getting us fed and meeting his intense need for attention and connection.

My son is PDA autistic, and separation is hard for him. Even when I’m doing something for him, like making his meal, if my attention shifts away, his nervous system senses threat and rejection. “Mommy, mommy, mommy!” he’d call again and again. “Say this, say that—I don’t like this, I don’t like that.” PDA demands, OCD scripts, regulation needs. I was “on” all day long.

At that time, one of the hardest things I faced was trying to go to the bathroom. Even stepping away for a moment would activate his system so much that I had to bring him with me just to meet my own basic needs.

This dance continued throughout the day—activations big and small—and I’d respond again and again, trying to keep us in a place of relative calm. But at times, my nervous system would drift toward dissociation. I’d find myself tuning out, zoning out, just trying to catch a breath—only to be jolted back by his voice or face right in front of mine demanding connection.

By the end of the day, I was exhausted. Dissociating before I even hit the pillow. And filled with shame.

Why couldn’t I stay present all day? Why was I so tired? Why did I dread full days alone with my child, even though I loved him so much?

Nervous System Resonance — The “Ping” Between Mother and Child

What I later learned changed everything. Our nervous systems are designed to ping with our children. To feel their state, to attune, to respond. This is how co-regulation works—and when it works, it’s mutually beneficial. Our connection releases oxytocin and other feel-good chemicals in both of us.

Stephen Porges, developer of Polyvagal Theory, describes this as neuroception—the subconscious detection of safety or threat through cues in the nervous system. Our children pick up on our nervous system state before we speak, and we feel theirs in our own bodies. It’s not just that we witness their dysregulation—we embody it.

This is why so many mothers ask, “Why can’t I handle this?” It’s not weakness. You’re not just dealing with your child’s activation—you’re feeling it in your body. And if you carry unresolved trauma or unmet needs from your own past, your nervous system is getting doubly activated. This is the biology of overload. This is what leads to fight, flight, freeze, or collapse. It’s not a personal failing—it’s a nervous system doing what it’s designed to do.

The Biology of Being Linked — Microchimerism and the Science of Forever Connection

Our connection to our children is not just emotional—it’s biological. Through a phenomenon known as microchimerism, fetal cells cross into the mother’s bloodstream during pregnancy and lodge in her organs, tissues, and even brain for decades after birth. These cells may assist with tissue repair and immune response, but they may also play a role in shaping maternal instinct and emotional attunement.

This article from GreenMedInfo explores how mothers literally carry a part of their children inside them for life. These cellular remnants may influence how deeply we feel our child’s presence—even without touch or sound. This is the science behind maternal intuition. The reason why their pain hurts us so deeply. Why their nervous system can stir something deep in our bones.

Evolutionary Design — The Brain and Body of a Mother

Our brains are wired to bond. After birth, a mother’s brain undergoes remarkable changes: gray matter increases in areas involved in empathy, motivation, vigilance, and emotional regulation. The amygdala becomes more sensitized, increasing alertness and responsiveness to the baby’s cues. Mirror neurons help us intuitively match and mirror our child’s state. Oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” surges with closeness, deepening emotional connection.

This neurological design is what helps us prioritize our child’s cues without even thinking. It’s not just empathy—it’s structure and chemistry. But this same design, without regulation tools and rest, can lead to overstimulation and burnout, especially when support is limited.

Why It Feels So Hard — When You’re Activated Too

For many of us, co-regulation wasn’t modeled when we were children. We didn’t grow up with adults who could attune to us and hold us through our dysregulation. So our nervous systems didn’t learn how to regulate in connection—they learned to suppress, avoid, fawn, or explode.

That means when our child’s distress “pings” our system, it not only triggers a biological response—it reawakens the part of us that never got soothed. In those moments, it’s not just your child’s emotions you’re feeling—it’s your inner child’s too. The nervous system doesn’t distinguish between then and now.

So of course it feels like too much. Of course you shut down or lash out. It’s not a character flaw. It’s a nervous system under siege.

This is why learning to pause, track your internal state, and respond from a place of awareness is so powerful. Not just for your child—but for you.

Regulate to Resonate — The Power of Presence Without Words

Healing begins not with perfection, but with presence and awareness.

Ask yourself: Is this mine or theirs? Can I allow this and hold space for it? (thus recruiting ventral vagal before I respond).  Even a small shift in your state can be deeply felt by your child. Regulation is not something we teach with words—it’s something we transmit with our nervous system.

You don’t need fancy tools. Often, it’s the simplest practices that create the biggest shifts.  Here are some practices I use daily:

• Orient to the room—look around slowly and name 3-5 things you see that bring you comfort or are neutral.
• Use touch—rub your hands together, give yourself a gentle hug, place a hand on your heart and feel the sensations of that touch.
• Feel the sensations of your feet on the ground or your bum on the chair.
• Lengthen your exhale, letting it be longer than your inhale.
• If your child allows, hold their hand and feel their warmth.
• Offer a snuggle—not just for them, but for both of you to co-regulate.
• Focus on a feature of your child that you love and feel the warmth it creates inside your body.
• Notice the good moments of authentic laughter and connection and let it land - feel it in your body. 

You may already be doing some of these without even realizing it. But when you do them with awareness—and notice the small shifts back toward safety—your nervous system learns it’s possible to come home again.  And when you regulate in these micromoments, it also gives a chance for your body to release the activation being held underneath the freeze/override response…You may feel a shift as a yawn, a softening in tension, an ability to take a deeper breath. Noticing this helps reinforce your thinking mind to do more of the same because it feels good.

You Are Enough — Even When You Need a Break

You don’t have to do this all perfectly. You don’t have to get it right every time.

Your nervous system is doing exactly what it was designed to do. And now, with compassion and understanding, you can begin to work with it rather than against it.

Most mothers I hear from and work with carry a deep inner struggle—the belief that they are failing their child because they cannot co-regulate them all day long. If you’ve felt this way, please hear this: you are not failing.

It’s okay if you can’t be the steady co-regulator every single moment of the day. It’s okay if you need space, if you need to step away, if your nervous system needs rest. That’s not a failure. That’s being human.

In fact, rupture and repair are part of building a healthy, resilient nervous system. Your child doesn’t need perfection. They need repair. They need to see you return to them—not as someone who never loses their center, but as someone who knows how to come back to it.

The shame you may feel comes from expectations that were never meant for the realities of raising a hypersensitive, high-needs child—especially a PDA autistic child. Let’s change that expectation. You are not meant to be a 100% co-regulator. You are meant to be a human doing the best you can.

Sometimes, you will choose yourself so that you can refill your cup. Sometimes, you will have ruptures. Sometimes, you will feel like it’s all too much. And still—you are building trust. Still—you are the steady presence in the chaos. Still—you are enough.

So go easy on yourself. That, too, is healing for your nervous system. And it teaches your child something powerful: regulation isn’t about never getting dysregulated—it’s about always finding your way back.