Why “Holding It Together” Is Burning You Out as a Parent of a PDA/Autistic Child

**You can also listen to this in audio format only on The Regulated Mother Podcast on Apple or Spotify. Look for Episode #43

The Parenting Rule We All Follow—But No One Questions

We’ve all been taught that when you’re parenting a PDA or autistic child…

you need to hold it together.

We know how sensitive their nervous system is.
We know they pick up on everything we feel.

So we tell ourselves:

“I need to stay calm.”
“I can’t lose it.”
“I just have to hold it together.”

And so… we do.

We push things down.
We clamp down on what we feel.
We hold it in.
We contain it.

And when we manage to do that?

We actually feel good about it.

Because this is what we’ve been taught is good parenting.

This is what we’ve been taught as having good self-control.

But over time…

The more you hold it together…

The more something starts to happen inside of you.

You either become:

• more exhausted
• more depleted
• more disconnected

Or…

You cycle into moments where you lose control completely
and the anger finally comes out.

And then comes the guilt.

The shame.

The feeling that you’re failing.

And you’re left wondering:

Why can’t I just stay regulated?
Why does this keep happening?

In this episode, I’m going to walk you through why we’ve actually had this all wrong.

Why holding it together is not regulation…

and what you need to do instead to actually feel more calm, more grounded, and more capable—
without falling apart inside.

The Pattern I Thought Was Helping My Son

When I first learned about PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) and really understood my son’s severe threat response, I knew I had to be a calmer parent for him.

That’s all I wanted.

If I could stay more regulated, then this would help him lower his threat response and access his skills. I felt like so much depended on me being the parent he needed.

So when he would escalate—over the smallest things…
When he would avoid even the most basic life demands…

I tried really hard to do the only thing I knew how to do in those moments:

Hold it together.

Because that’s what I had learned a “good” parent does.

That’s what I had observed my whole life—that when you’re in front of others, you don’t show how you truly feel. You don’t show your frustration, your sadness, your overwhelm.

You hold it together.

You stay composed.
Strong.
Stoic even.

No facial expression.
Cool as a cucumber.

Even if your insides are on fire.

I was a master at this in the outside world.

In the corporate world I used to work in.
In front of friends.

I was the one who could handle anything.

So I channeled that part of me—that deeply patterned part of my nervous system.

Just hold it together.
Be strong.
Stay calm.
Cool as a cucumber.

I remember one time when I worked in New York, my boss said to me:

“Afshan, I can’t read your face and I don’t like it. You need to speak up more so I know what you’re thinking.”

That was me.

Even my face was so controlled, so contained, that it was almost frozen.

I was a high masker for sure.

So I brought that same strategy into parenting.

I thought—this will help my son.

If I can just stay calm, I can co-regulate him.

But what nobody tells you is how much more triggering your child is on your nervous system than anything else.

And it’s not like I could step away and get a break. At the time, he had stopped going to school. I was with him all day.

My system was being triggered constantly.

But still…Hold it together.

Inside, I would feel burning rage rise up in my body…

And I would clamp down on it.
Brace against it.
Try to contain it.
Control it.

I would feel tears well up—overwhelm, exasperation, grief…

And again, I would push it down.

Clamp it down.

And sometimes, I would walk away from those moments feeling proud.

Like:

I did it. I held it together.

But over time…

With this chronic triggering…

My system started to break down.

Sometimes it would come out in explosions.
Other times, it turned into exhaustion.
Or a quiet kind of depression.

Because on the outside…

I was holding it together.

But on the inside…

I was slowly falling apart.

And I see this in so many parents I work with.

We’ve all learned this pattern.

We believe it’s our job as parents to:

• not show our emotions
• not show our anger
• not overwhelm our child

So we hold it all in.

We think this is what creates safety.

We feel good about ourselves when we can do it.

And when we can’t?

We feel like we’ve failed.

Like we don’t have enough self-control.

But then over time…

These same parents come to me with:

• burnout
• exhaustion
• chronic fatigue
• anxiety and stress
• cycling into depression
• numbness
• wanting to give up

And they say:

“My child is doing better because of how I’m showing up…
but inside… I feel like I’m falling apart.
Why?”

Why This Makes Sense (And Why You’re Not Wrong)

If you have a PDA/autistic or highly sensitive child, their nervous system is constantly scanning for safety and danger.

They are incredibly attuned to you.

So of course you try to contain yourself.

Of course you try to stay calm.

Of course you try to protect them from your emotional intensity.

There is nothing wrong with that intention.

But the way we’ve been taught to do it is where things start to go wrong.

What “Holding It Together” Actually Is

Most parents think holding it together means:

• being calm
• being strong
• being regulated

But what’s actually happening in the body is very different.

Holding it together often looks like:

• tightening
• bracing
• suppressing
• pushing emotions down
• disconnecting from what you feel

This is not regulation.

This is a nervous system state.

And very often…it’s functional freeze.

Functional freeze is when your body is still functioning on the outside.

You’re parenting.
You’re responding.
You’re doing what needs to be done.

But on the inside?

You’re braced.
Tight.
Shut down.

You’re holding everything in.

It’s a mix of:

• activation (fight or flight energy rising)
• and shutdown (freezing, containing, suppressing it)

So you look calm…

But your system is under stress.

You’re still functioning.
You’re still parenting.
You’re still doing what needs to be done.

But internally, you’re shut down. Contracted. Containing everything.

The Misunderstanding of “Self-Control”

A lot of parents think what they’re doing is self-control.

They think:

• “I’m being strong.”
• “I’m staying in control of myself.”
• “I’m not losing it.”

But what we’ve been taught to call self-control is often just controlling ourselves not to feel.

Controlling the tears.
Controlling the anger.
Controlling the overwhelm.

Holding it in.
Pushing it down.
Trying to stay contained.

But this kind of control is contraction.

It’s your body tightening.
Closing in.
Suppressing energy that wants to move.

It’s a survival response.

So what we’ve been calling “self-control” is often actually:

self-suppression.

“Being the Strong One” Is What’s Burning You Out

There’s something else I see in almost every parent who comes to me with this pattern.

They are the strong one.

They’re the one who can handle everything.
The one who keeps going.
The one who holds everyone together.

And for most of their life, this has been something they’ve been praised for.

People have said things like:

• “You’re so strong”
• “I don’t know how you do it”
• “You always have it together”

And on the outside, it looks like a strength.

But what we’re now understanding—both from a nervous system perspective and from modern psychology—is that:

chronic “being the strong one” often comes at a cost.

Because what it usually involves is:

• suppressing emotions
• overriding your needs
• pushing through stress
• staying composed no matter what’s happening inside

And when this becomes a long-term pattern, it keeps your nervous system in a state of chronic stress, hypervigilance, or eventual shutdown.

So what looks like strength is often actually:

• overfunctioning
• suppression
• survival

And this is the exact pattern so many parents fall into when raising a PDA/autistic or high-needs child.

You become the strong one.
You hold it together.
You do what needs to be done.

And slowly, without even realizing it, you start to burn out.

Why This Pattern Runs So Deep

This didn’t come from nowhere.

You didn’t just decide one day to suppress your emotions and hold everything in.

This is a pattern that was learned. Conditioned. Practiced over years—often decades.  And it’s patterned into us in 3 ways, which connect to how we learned to stay safe, lovable, belonging and successful in this world. 

1. Social Conditioning (What We Were Taught Is “Good”) 

Most of us grew up in environments where emotions—especially the big ones—were seen as:

• too much
• inappropriate
• weak
• or unsafe

So we learned:

• “keep it together”
• “don’t show it”
• “be strong”

And this is especially true for:

• women
• caregivers
• high-achieving environments

Like the corporate world I came from…

Where being composed and controlled wasn’t just encouraged—

It was expected.

2. Performance-Based Identity (Who We Learned We Had to Be)

Many of us tied our worth to:

• competence
• composure
• control

So we became:

• the reliable one
• the capable one
• the one who could handle everything

And underneath that was a nervous system belief:

“In order to be valued… I need to stay in control.”

And that leads to:

• overfunctioning
• suppressing emotions
• pushing through stress

Until eventually…Burnout.

3. Survival & Attachment Patterns (What Felt Safe Early On)

For many of us, this goes even deeper.

At some point, our nervous system learned:

• “It’s not safe to express how I feel”
• “I need to control myself to stay accepted, loved, connected”
• “If I show too much, something goes wrong”

So we adapted.

We learned to:

• mask
• suppress
• stay composed

To stay connected. To stay safe.

And this is where that “cool as a cucumber” version of you comes from.

The one who could walk into any situation…

And not let anything show.

And keep in mind, so much of these patterns can be so automatic, that you don’t even know you’re engaging in them.  So it really takes becoming aware in the moment if you’re doing this now.  Awareness is the first step towards change.  

Why This Matters for You Now

When you understand these unconscious patterns, something shifts.

You stop seeing this as:

• “I’m not good enough”
• “I don’t have enough self-control”

And you start seeing it as:

“This is a pattern my nervous system learned… and it makes sense.”

But oftentimes, what got us all through the past and able to belong, stay lovable and be successful, is not what will carry you through this kind of parenting.  These patterns get exacerbated in this kind of parenting, that’s for sure.  But the learning then becomes to shift out of these patterns and embrace new patterns and ways of being that will sustain you more for the rest of your life. 

The Big Reframe

It’s not about holding it together.

It’s about building the capacity to be with what’s happening without being taken over by it.

Holding it together is survival.

Capacity is regulation.

What Capacity Actually Means

Capacity means:

• you can feel what’s happening
• you can stay with it
• you don’t suppress it
• and you don’t act it out

It’s the ability to BE WITH sensations, emotions, and activation without shutting down or exploding.

And this is something you build over time.

Because capacity in the nervous system comes down to two core skills:

1. Tolerance

Can you stay with what you’re feeling, without getting overwhelmed and disconnected, or, without needing to shut it down, push it away, or control it in some way?

If we can build tolerance to be in our bodies, feeling our sensations and emotions, and not get so hooked by them, but instead become the curious observer - the watcher - of them, then we are building tolerance to be with emotions and sensations without fearing them or being taken over by them. 

2. Processing

Can that energy move through your body instead of getting stuck, suppressed, or stored?

Because when you’re “holding it together”, you’re not processing anything. You’re containing it.

And over time…that builds pressure in your system.

But when you build capacity…you allow that energy to move. To complete. To release.

Sometimes we cannot do that in the moment with our kids, so we can use the skill of tolerance and also a different kind of containment to hold space for what we are feeling and helping it feel safe, and then later we can process and release what was coming up.  

But sometimes we can work with the intense fight or flight energy and move our bodies in safe ways to help get it out.  

A Different Kind of Containment

This deserves mentioning because many of us try to “contain” our reactions by holding it all in and contracting against it.  But there is a truer way of containment that brings safety instead of resistance to what it.  This is the kind of containment we’re working toward.

Not the kind that holds everything in.  But the kind that creates enough safety in your body
to be with everything that’s happening inside of you.

Think of how you contain a baby when they are flailing and crying and so dysregulated.  You pick them up, you contain them with your arms and a felt sense of safety like “I’m here, you will be ok, you’re safe”.  This is the kind of containment you want to bring to yourself.  The kind that can hold space for whatever is getting triggered inside of you and bring safety to it.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

What this looks like in real life can vary from situation to situation and person to person.

Sometimes this can look like feeling yourself clamping down on your reactions, and then letting go of being the composed one, and instead allowing yourself to feel what’s happening underneath and putting a hand on your heart or orienting to the room to bring a cue of safety. 

Sometimes this can look like crying in front of your child because you can’t hold in the tears anymore, and staying connected to yourself and the present.  You may say something like: “I’m feeling a lot right now, and I’m okay. I’m still here for you.”  So you’re supporting the feelings, while staying present enough to help your child see that you are still here and ok. 

Feeling anger bubbling up and using some movement to help it safely discharge and release from the body.  A full body shake off can help or doing some pushing against a wall.  You may say to your child:  “There’s a lot of energy in my body and I need to move it.”

This is not losing control.

This is capacity to be with what is, hold space for it, and take action in a safe way to release it from the body.

What Your Child Learns

When you are able to have more capacity for your reactions, and work with them instead of hold them in, your children actually learn how to work with their activation too.  They learn:

• emotions are safe
• emotions can move
• they can handle what they feel

Your child doesn’t just learn from your calm face.

They learn from your capacity.

They learn from watching you feel something, stay with yourself, and move through it without collapsing or attacking.

But when you’re holding it together through suppression, your child may still feel the tension.

And what gets modeled instead is:

• holding things in
• disconnecting from emotions
• internal pressure

The Shift Out of Functional Freeze

What we are doing from a nervous system perspective when we change the pattern from holding it in to instead having more capacity to be with and truly contain and process our reactions, is we are helping our body shift out of this deeply held functional freeze pattern that sends so many of us into burnout.  

True regulation is different.

It’s being with.
Feeling.
Allowing.
Processing.

And this is what actually builds resilience.

From Holding It Together to Truly Feeling Safe Within Yourself

So the big shift in both mindset and the way we see it, and also the way we embody it, is to shift from holding it together and using a form of self control that is eliciting a stress response, to instead developing capacity to be with what’s happening inside so you can help yourself feel safe within in. 

When you build capacity, everything changes.

You start to feel:

• more choice
• more true strength
• more capability

Not because things aren’t hard…But because you know how to be with them.

You know how to work with what’s happening inside of you.

You know how to let it move through your body instead of storing it, burying it, or exploding it onto someone else.

You’re no longer:

• holding everything in
• waiting to collapse or explode
• living in survival

Instead, you become someone who can:

• feel deeply
• stay grounded
• move through activation
• meet your child from a place of real regulation

You don’t need to learn how to control yourself better.

You need to learn how to be with yourself differently.

I believe that so much of the reason we have the kids we do is to learn how to embody a new way of being – one that not only helps us to feel like we can handle this life and even do well in this life with these challenges – but also a way of being that has a ripple effect on changing the world around us to become a truer, more authentic, and more compassionate place to live.

This work is not easy, that’s for sure, but if you can see the real gains from doing this hard inner work, then life becomes so much more fulfilling, even if the challenges are still there. 

The Regulation Rebuild course