How to See Your Child in a More Positive Way — Even in the Hardest Moments

**You can also listen to this in audio format only on The Regulated Mother Podcast on Apple or Spotify.

**Below is the blog article for easy reading.

What It’s Like When Your Child Becomes a Cue of Danger

Have you ever noticed yourself tensing up the moment your child walks into the room or calls “mommy”? Or do you find yourself always thinking of all the negative things about your child and worrying a lot about how they can do better in life?

You’re not alone.

For so many of us parenting hypersensitive, high-needs, or PDA children, our nervous systems start to brace automatically when we are around our child because of how many times a day they can get activated and how much they are not able to function in the ways we would like. And when this happens day after day, our brain begins to associate our child with danger.

Even their voice… their footsteps… their presence… can become a trigger for threat. And before we know it, all we can see when we look at our child is the negative.

In today’s episode, I’m going to walk you through exactly how this happens:

• Why your brain and body start to see your child as one big cue of danger
  
  
• The role of chronic stress and the brain’s negativity bias
  
  
• And most importantly… how to retrain your brain and regulate your nervous system so you can start seeing your child through a lens of safety and connection again — even if nothing on the outside changes.
  
  

Let’s begin.

When My Child Became One Big Cue of Danger

It was 9am and I was tiptoeing across my bedroom floor, whispering in my mind, “Please floor… don’t creak.” I was trying to get to the bathroom — desperate to just have a few minutes for my morning routine, which helps regulate my nervous system so much.

The day before had been absolutely gruesome — hours-long rages, house destruction, complete depletion — and I needed just a sliver of space.

But then I heard his voice…

“Mommy.”

And my whole body startled. I felt this immediate drop in my chest — despair — followed by a surge of sympathetic energy: fear about how today was going to go. As my son walked into the room, I felt the bracing in my body, the readiness for what could come next.

At the time, we were going through months of burnout. So many challenges with meltdowns and his need for control over our basic needs.

Every time I looked at my son, all I could feel was stress mounting, worry thoughts flooding, and a deep despair that I would clamp down on just so I could function and show up for him.

There was always something to worry about:

• He would only eat one small meal a day at the time
  
  
• Rage for hours
  
  
• Panic at every move we made
  
  
• Hold his bowels in for a week
  
  
• Hold his pee for 24 hours — every single day
  
  
• He hadn’t showered in months
  
  
• Barely brushed his teeth
  
  
• Refused school and did no learning at home
  
  

All I saw when I looked at him was danger. All I felt in my body was danger. My child had become one big cue of danger to my nervous system.

This Is More Common Than You Think

And I want to say this clearly:

Even if your child isn’t holding in their pee for 24 hours… even if your child is going to school, or eats meals, or showers sometimes… you can still feel this way.

This experience of seeing your child as a cue of danger isn’t only reserved for extreme cases. It happens to so many moms — especially those parenting highly sensitive, high-needs, or PDA children — because your nervous system is being activated multiple times per day.

Every demand your child resists… every meltdown, refusal, inability to meet basic demands of life, inability to learn or be at school or be kind and responsible…

Your child is not meeting the expectations your brain learned of how to stay safe, lovable, belonging and successful in this world. This then translates to you feeling like you are failing as a mother.

And the thing is — your nervous system doesn’t always know it’s “just your child.” It reacts like it’s danger — danger of your own livelihood and success.

And when this happens repeatedly, your brain starts developing chronic neural pathways that only see what’s wrong with your child and your life. It starts preparing for threat at the sight of your child’s face, voice, or even footsteps.

And when you add the pressure we feel to be calm, patient, and regulated all the time — it’s no wonder we crash.

So please hear me:

You’re not weak. You’re not broken. You’re not alone. This is a survival pattern. And it can change.

The Pressure to Be Enough

In my situation, my brain felt a ton of pressure to help my son get better, but I often felt like I had no control over helping him to change.

All of his challenges represented — to my brain — that I was failing. That I couldn’t provide for him. That my life and career were over. That the "authorities" — doctors, therapists, schools — would blame me for not doing a good enough job.

At the time, his inability to meet even his basic needs made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I would look at my son and just see all the things that were wrong.

And it made sense — because my brain had entered the chronic “red zone,” where all it could see was what was going wrong.

And here’s the thing — when that stress becomes your default state, it starts to feel like there’s no other way to be.

But the truth is, your brain and nervous system are doing exactly what they’re designed to do.

So let’s talk about why this happens — and how it’s not your fault.

Why Your Brain Starts to See Your Child as a Cue of Danger

There are two very real reasons why your brain starts to see your child as a cue of danger.

1. Negativity Bias
The human brain is wired to see what’s wrong before it sees what’s right. This is called negativity bias. It’s meant to keep us alive and surviving — it’s helpful to have this skill built into our brain as it helps us to see what could be truly dangerous — but when it’s running the show, it keeps us locked in fear, chronic overwhelm, and seeing our child as one big negative threat.

2. Chronic Activation
When your nervous system is repeatedly activated — and you feel helpless to stop or change the stressor — your brain starts to build neural pathways that associate that source (your child) with danger.

And, if you’ve had past trauma, it’s even more intense. Your brain may register your child as the perpetrator — not out of logic, but out of instinct. The brain doesn’t care that this is your child. It cares that your livelihood feels threatened.

The Grief and Shame Loop That Keeps You Stuck

And here’s the part most moms aren’t told:

The more shame and grief you feel for thinking all these negative thoughts about your child, or wanting them to be different, or feeling like you don’t want to be their mother anymore because mothering them feels like one big pile of failure and loss… all this shame and grief can keep your nervous system stuck.

This further contributes to your brain seeing your child as a cue of danger.

As a mother, I know you may not even want to admit you think and feel this way about your child, but it’s important to acknowledge it and process that grief and shame, and forgive yourself for feeling this way — because truthfully, it’s not your fault.

You, just like me, and all the other moms, live in a human body and brain that is designed to feel and think this way when you live with a child who threatens so much of how your brain learned to feel safe and successful in this world.

You Are Not Your Brain

But here’s the truth:

You are not your brain. You are the awareness behind your brain. And that awareness can begin to notice how the brain works — and help it feel safe again.

You are the awareness that can help redirect your brain to take on better feeling thoughts about your child, and remember that you can feel safe with your child.

You’re not stuck forever. There is a way to see your child differently — to soften the fear — to restore safety and connection.

And the way to do this is to help your brain to see all the glimmers in your child and in your life.

What Is a Glimmer?

What is a glimmer? The word “glimmer” was coined by Deb Dana, who wrote the book The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy, and I have done her trainings on how to apply Polyvagal Theory in practice.

For those of you who may not know what Polyvagal Theory is, it’s a theory of the nervous system founded by Dr. Stephen Porges which helps us understand the science of safety and the involvement of the autonomic nervous system in how we socially engage and emotionally regulate. Deb Dana took the theory and brought it into practice, and part of her teachings on it is about how to create safety in micro-moments with glimmers.

Glimmers are micro-moments of noticing something that fosters feelings of comfort, peace, or well-being, and they trigger your nervous system in a good way — to start feeling regulation again. A glimmer could be as simple as seeing a friendly face, hearing a soothing sound, or noticing something in the environment that brings a smile or feels comforting.

They don’t erase your pain.
They don’t cancel your grief.
They just remind your nervous system that something else is also true: that safety still exists.

As Deb Dana writes:
“Your days can be filled with difficulty, and you can also feel a spark of safety, regulation, and connection. This amazing capacity is built into your human biology.”

Glimmers are how we begin to shift the nervous system’s story from one of “I’m unsafe” to one of “I’m safe and okay in this moment.” They help us come back to the present moment where we can feel safety in our bodies and minds, and let it nourish and regulate our nervous systems — and help us release pent-up stress too.

How I Rewired My Brain Using Glimmers

I used glimmers daily to help rewire my brain from the chronic negativity bias which sent my brain into the red zone — always seeing my child in a negative way — to a brain that was able to see the smallest positive, even in a day that was full of chaos and dysregulation.

What I did was…

• I interrupted the bracing pattern that would show up in my body automatically by first becoming aware of it and noticing when it showed up. And then, instead of staying in it and being taken over by that stress response, I chose to look around the room and orient to something safe or neutral or comforting. I allowed myself to feel that safety and comfort in my body to help the bracing pattern let go and come back to my baseline.

• I also recalled safe memories with my child using a daily Havening practice. Havening Techniques is a psychosensory modality that uses the mind and body together to help calm the nervous system, reprocess traumatic encodings, and take on new meanings. I would haven on the moments I felt safe with my child so both my mind and body could feel and remember that it’s not all bad moments with him.

• I said, “What if I could feel safe with my child?” — using curiosity to open up regulation. Curiosity is a huge part of being regulated, and we can recruit it to bring on regulation as well. The words “What if,” especially when said with a lot of curious energy, can really help open up the brain — and especially the amygdala, which is the fear center of the brain — to take on a new meaning in the present.

• I would do the Havening practice with these What If statements and say things like:

“What if I am truly safe with my child…”

“What if he is having a panic attack and I can help him…”

“What if this moment belongs, and I can allow this right now…”

All of these statements, along with the safety cues of touch that Havening brings, allowed me to open up my brain to new possibilities — new ways of thinking about my capability in the hard moments and the truth of what my son was experiencing, instead of the highly charged survival view of things.

• I would also think of positive moments of the past with my son and feel it in my body and let those sensations land in my body — like the feel of his hand, his cheek, or the sound of his laugh. And I did this actively, and daily, so that I could rewire my negativity bias and get my brain to start seeing the good again too.

What Glimmers Looked Like for Me

The glimmers I would take in daily were things like this:

• Hugging my son
  
  

• Feeling the softness of his cheek
  
  

• Seeing him laugh or get excited
  
  

• Watching him not dysregulate over something small
  
  

• Seeing the tree outside my window or anything in nature
  
  

• Feeling the sun on my face or the warm breeze on my face or arms
  
  

• Feeling my back supported on my bean bag or chair, feeling the warm fuzzy blanket
  
  

• Sipping tea or watching a beautiful nature video online
  
  

• Feeling a hug from my husband
  
  

I trained myself to notice and take in these kinds of glimmers so I could build a brain that could more easily go back into the green zone and see the good things in life. These glimmers became my neural anchors — things I could go back to every time I braced or my negative brain was taking over.

The Science of Glimmers and Rewiring

• Glimmers release dopamine and oxytocin — feel-good chemicals that promote safety and bonding.
  
  

• They activate your prefrontal cortex, which is the higher thinking part of your brain that supports regulation and perspective. The more you practice feeling glimmers, the more you strengthen your prefrontal cortex — which is a huge part of regulating the amygdala, which is part of your threat detection system.
  
  

• Every time you notice and feel a glimmer, you build new neural pathways — thanks to neuroplasticity, which is the ability of the brain to change and create new pathways and new ways of thinking and being.
  
  

So there is a lot of science behind how this can really help the brain to come out of negativity bias and be able to see the more positive things in life — which is hugely regulating and something that I feel is so necessary when parenting a child who activates a lot daily.

The Daily Glimmer Practice

• Become AWARE: Notice when you’re bracing or spiraling in fear, worry, or angry thoughts.
  
  

• ALLOW it to be there. Thank your brain for trying to protect you. This is a natural part of being human.
  
  

• ORIENT to the present moment — move your head and neck around the room slowly and find something comforting or neutral.
  
  

• Let the feeling of that comfort or neutral or safe thing land in your body for 30 seconds at least.
  
  

• Once you’re in the present again and feeling safer, recall a glimmer about your child — something you love or cherish. Feel that feeling in your body for at least 30 seconds. You can even bring in Havening touch here (which is like a moving hug — stroking your arms from your shoulders down to your elbow, gently rubbing your hands together, or bringing some gentle touch to your forehead and cheeks).
  
  

• While feeling the loving and safe feelings in your body, say to yourself: “I am safe with my child,” or if that’s a stretch then start with: “What if I could feel safe with my child?” Say this with a lot of curiosity and wonder. Say this ten times and allow yourself to feel that safety in your body. Notice what safety feels like in your body.
  
  

• Throughout your day, notice glimmers around you… all the little things in your environment, and the little glimmers your child may show you.
  
  

• Before bed, recall 3 glimmers from your day — and let your body feel them again.
  
  

Now, some of you may be thinking — wow, that’s intense to do this so often and daily. And yes, I agree… but remember, it’s doing this in little micro-moments. And honestly, this was what was required to get my brain out of a negative rut that only saw the challenges.

I needed a more intense daily practice. I would put up sticky notes around the house and whenever I would remember, I would pause and notice a glimmer. This has helped me immensely to weather the intense storms I have been through and still come back to regulation and remember that even though life can be chaotic, I can still come back to feeling safe.

And honestly, it’s the best practice I have ever learned because it shows me that I have the ability to feel safe in little moments even if life gets really hard. I have the power to bring myself back… and so do you.

You Can Help Your Brain To See Your Child Differently

So just to recap:

• If your child has become one big cue of danger to your system…
  
  

• If your brain is wired to see what’s wrong and nothing else…
  
  

• If you feel ashamed just for thinking or feeling that way…
  
  

You’re not alone.
And there is hope — not through force, but through practice.
Through glimmers. Through curiosity. Through new patterns of safety.

As Deb Dana says:
“Your nervous system is exquisitely designed to hold both dysregulation and regulation.”

And that means…

You’re never broken.
You’re just patterned.
And you have the power to pattern something new.