How to Pause Instead of React to Your High-Needs Child: The #1 Skill You Need

**You can also listen to this in audio format only on The Regulated Mother Podcast on Apple or Spotify.

**Below is the blog article for easy reading.

Why Your Best Intentions Still End In Reactivity

Have you ever promised yourself you’d pause the next time your child pushed your buttons — only to find yourself yelling, snapping, or shutting down before you even realized it happened?

It’s like one moment you think you’re in control, and the next moment the reaction has taken over your whole body. And then comes the shame spiral: “I should know better. Why can’t I stop this?”

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And it’s not because you’re failing as a parent. It’s because your nervous system is running the show.

In today’s episode, I’m going to share the #1 skill that can help you finally find that pause between the trigger and the reaction. This skill has been life-changing for me, for my clients, and for so many parents of high-needs kids. Because when you can find that pause, you don’t just stop reacting — you step into a more regulated, connected version of yourself. And that changes everything for you and for your child.

When Pausing Doesn’t Work

For years, I heard the advice: “Just pause before you react.” And I wanted that so badly. I tried to pause. I tried to breathe. I tried to hold it in.

But my reactions still took over.

Sometimes it felt like the reaction came out of nowhere — one moment I thought I was calm, and the next I was yelling or shutting down. Other times, I thought I was “pausing,” but really I was just clamping down on the reaction, pressing it down with force. The pressure would build inside until it finally exploded.

And afterward came the shame spiral: “Why can’t I do better? Why do I keep losing it?”

What made the biggest difference was learning that I am not my reaction. That what takes over in those moments is a survival response. And the most powerful skill I’ve learned — the skill that actually creates space for a true pause — is called unblending.

What Does It Mean to Be “Blended”?

When you’re “blended,” it feels like your reaction is you. The anger, the fear, the panic, the shame — they take over your whole nervous system and mind.

In that state, it’s nearly impossible to pause, because the survival system has already hijacked your body.

Blending leaves you with:

• No space between trigger and reaction
  
  
• No access to perspective
  
  
• Shame afterward for “knowing better but not doing better”
  
  

But here’s the truth: those reactions are not you. They are survival patterns. And they don’t define who you are at your core.

The #1 Skill: Unblending

Unblending means being with the reaction instead of being taken over by it.

It comes from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, a model I’m trained in and use deeply in my own life and with clients. In IFS, the belief is that we all have a true Self — the part of us that is wise, compassionate, curious, calm, has clarity, creativity, stays connected and even has confidence — and we also have parts of us that carry survival reactions, beliefs, or protective strategies.

You can think of it this way: your mind and body carry a survival system that cares only about keeping you safe — making sure you feel secure, lovable, that you belong, and that you succeed. But you are not that survival system. You are the awareness of it. When you can step into that awareness — noticing the reaction in your body without becoming it — you begin to unblend. You are no longer the reaction itself; you are the one who is present with it.

When you unblend, you don’t get rid of the part that is reacting or the body-mind survival reaction. Instead, you step back into your true Self and relate to that reaction with curiosity. That alone creates space — the pause you’ve been longing for.

Mindfulness teaches something similar: that we can become the watcher of our thoughts and sensations.

Somatic Experiencing (SE) extends this further: it teaches us to stay with the body sensations of the reaction and connect to a resource — something that feels grounding or supportive, like noticing the present moment, feeling your feet on the floor, or placing a hand on your heart.

In SE, this process is called pendulation — gently moving back and forth between activation (the stress or reaction) and support (a resource or sense of safety). This movement keeps the nervous system from being overwhelmed, because you’re not drowning in the reaction — you’re dipping in and out in small, digestible doses (what SE calls titration).

Pendulation builds what many trauma therapies call dual awareness — the ability to hold both the reaction and a felt sense of present safety at the same time. In this way, unblending and pendulation go hand in hand: both create space where you can be with the reaction without being consumed by it.  By unblending, you are creating a safe container for the reaction to exist with you, but not consume you. 

What We Know From Research and Clinical Practice

Science and clinical experience together help us understand why unblending and awareness practices are so powerful:

• Mindfulness and the insula: Mindfulness strengthens the insula, the brain area that helps you notice body sensations (interoception). A stronger insula means you can catch stress reactions earlier and regulate more effectively.
  
  
• Structural changes: Awareness practices have been shown to increase thickness in the insula and prefrontal cortex — areas tied to attention, decision-making, and emotion regulation.
  
  
• Functional benefits: Mindfulness also improves brain connectivity for emotional control, reduces stress reactivity, and builds resilience.
  
  
• IFS therapy: Internal Family Systems has emerging research showing reduced depression, anxiety, and trauma symptoms, alongside greater self-compassion and regulation.
  
  
• Dual awareness & Somatic Experiencing: Trauma therapies such as EMDR and mindfulness approaches highlight the importance of dual awareness — being able to notice activation while also staying anchored in present safety. This has been linked to reduced overwhelm and greater regulation. Somatic Experiencing builds this same capacity through clinical practices like pendulation (moving between activation and resource) and titration (working with activation in small doses). While research on these specific SE methods is still emerging, clinical evidence consistently describes them as powerful tools for nervous system regulation.

What Happens in the Nervous System When You Unblend

This isn’t just psychological — it’s biological.

• When you unblend, you recruit your ventral vagal system — the branch of the parasympathetic nervous system tied to safety, connection, and calm.
  
  
• The “space” you create between trigger and response is actually regulation coming online.
  
  
• Over time, practicing unblending builds your tolerance for staying with difficult sensations and emotions.
  
  
• When you can tolerate the reaction without fusing with it, qualities of your true self — curiosity, clarity, compassion, perspective — naturally emerge.
  
  

Unblending is the bridge between survival reactivity and regulated presence.

Why This Matters for Parenting

If you’re parenting a high-needs child, you already know how finely tuned their nervous system is.

Children with sensitive systems have heightened neuroception — the nervous system’s ability to detect cues of safety or danger. They know if we are truly calm, or if we are just suppressing a reaction.

This is why mindset shifts and strategies sometimes fall flat: if you’re still blended with survival energy, your child feels it.

Unblending changes the game because:

• It helps you stay grounded during triggers because you can hold space for those triggers without them taking you over.
  
  
• It allows you to embody ventral vagal safety, not just pretend calm.
  
  
• It gives your child a nervous system cue of true regulation…and they can feel it.
  
  
• It models awareness and resilience for your child.
  
  

In other words, unblending isn’t just for you — it’s also for your child.  It gives their nervous system a chance to unblend too through mirroring of you. 

How to Practice Unblending

Think of these practices as a progression. Start with the simplest, and as you build tolerance, you can layer in the deeper ones. Over time, these practices strengthen the neural pathway back to safety and regulation.

1. Awareness + Curiosity (The First Step)

• Begin by noticing the reaction in your body: tightness, bracing, clenching, racing heart, or a flood of angry or worry thoughts.
  
  
• Say to yourself: “A reaction is here. I am not this reaction. My body is having this reaction, and I can be with it.”
  
  
• Step into the role of curious observer: “What does this reaction feel like in my body? Where do I feel it in my body? What’s it like to simply notice it?”
• Notice how you are not this reaction…You are with it now, watching it.  What is that like?
  
  
• Often, this simple act creates a softening, more space, and allows qualities of your true Self — curiosity, clarity, compassion — to emerge.
  
  

2. Externalize with Imagery (Creating Distance)

• Notice the reaction in your body. Describe the sensations of it.  Then notice if there is an image to it — a shape, a color, a texture, a movement.
  
  
• Imagine gently pulling that image outside of you, placing it in front of you.
  
  
• From your true self, observe it: “What is it like to be with this reaction here in front of you?”
  
  
• Welcome it: “You belong, and I can be here with you.”
  
  
• If resistance or dislike arises toward the reaction, notice that too. That resistance is another survival part. Give it an image as well, place it outside of you, and be with both.
  
  

3. Befriend the Younger Part (Meeting Vulnerability)

• When the reaction feels especially tender (shame, grief, fear), imagine it as a younger part of you — the little child inside who once had to carry this.
  
  
• Step into your adult true Self, the part of you that carries compassion, wisdom, curiosity, and comfort.
  
  
• Speak to the younger part: “I see you. I’m here with you. You don’t have to carry this alone anymore.”
  
  
• By bringing compassion to these deeper reactions, your nervous system learns safety in places it once felt overwhelming.
  
  

4. Somatic Experiencing Practice: Pendulation and Dual Awareness

• First, notice the activation in your body (tightness, bracing, increased heart rate, heat).
  
  
• Then shift to a resource: feel your feet on the ground, look around and orient to something comforting, or place a hand on your heart and feel that touch if it’s comforting. Notice how this comfort feels in your body and take it in.
  
  
• Move gently back and forth — feel the activation for a few moments, then return to the resource of feeling that comfort.
  
  
• This is called pendulation (swinging between activation and ease) and titration (taking it in small, digestible amounts).
  
  
• Over time, this builds dual awareness — the ability to hold both the stress reaction and the sense of safety at once. This prevents overwhelm and strengthens your nervous system’s capacity to regulate.
  
  

5. Daily Life Practice (Building the Muscle)

• Use everyday stress patterns as practice: rushing through chores, irritation at small tasks, worry or rumination.
  
  
• Pause when you notice these micro-reactions.
  
  
• Say hello to them: “Hello worry. Hello rushing. Hello tight chest.”
  
  
• Welcome them with ventral vagal energy: “You belong too. You can be here, and I can be here.”
  
  
• Practicing with these smaller patterns builds tolerance and makes unblending more accessible in the heated parenting moments.
  
  

From Reacting to Responding

Unblending is not about perfection. It’s not about never losing it again. It’s about slowly strengthening the muscle of awareness so you remember: you are not your survival system — you are the awareness behind it.

As Viktor Frankl said:

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

That “space” is not just mental. It is ventral vagal regulation coming online — safety, connection, calm. From that place, your child feels your presence, and your nervous system has room to choose.

So the invitation is simple: the next time you notice a reaction — however small — pause and become aware of it. Name it. Be curious. Practice unblending.

Because each time you do, you’re not only healing yourself — you’re offering your child the gift of true safety and connection.