Does Regulating Your Own Nervous System Really Help Your Child?

**You can also listen to this in audio format only on The Regulated Mother Podcast on Apple or Spotify. Look for Episode #22

**Below is the blog article for easy reading.

The Hidden Agenda Behind Our Calm — And Why Our Kids Can Feel It.

So many moms I work with ask me the same question — “Does this nervous system work actually help my child regulate?”

We learn about attachment and co-regulation and we know — this is what our child needs. So we dive in, determined to do it right, to stay calm through the chaos.

But underneath, there’s a hidden, unconscious agenda we don’t even realize is there: If I can regulate, my child will change. And beneath that? A deeper survival expectation — When my child is finally calm, then I’ll feel safe. Then I’ll be okay.

That attachment to the outcome — to our child’s regulation — is what fuels the agenda. It makes sense, because our bodies are just trying to find safety. But that need to feel safe through our child actually keeps both of us dysregulated.

So we go through the motions, trying to sound calm and do the right things, while inside we’re clamping down on the very energy that needs to move. And our kids sense it — they feel the tension and the expectation, and it all backfires.

Then we’re left wondering, Does this even work?

We all want to know: Does this actually help our child regulate?
 

The truth is — yes, it does. Your nervous system is your child’s safest roadmap to their own. But it only works when it comes from an embodied place — when you can feel safe in yourself first, rather than trying to be calm so they will be. 

In this episode, we’ll explore how your healing truly supports your child’s regulation, and why letting go of the agenda to fix or change them is what creates the change you’ve been longing for all along.

When I First Started Doing “The Work”

When I first started learning about the nervous system and attachment, I remember thinking, Okay, this is it — this is the thing that’s going to help. I knew that if I could learn how to regulate my nervous system, I could help my child feel safe and calm too. But underneath that intention was something I didn’t want to admit — I had an agenda. I wanted to regulate so that he would change. So that the meltdowns would stop. So that I could finally feel like a good enough mom.

And my child could feel that agenda instantly. Kids — especially highly sensitive, autistic, or PDA children — have an incredibly tuned neuroception, which means their nervous system is constantly and subconsciously scanning for cues of safety or danger. They can feel when we’re calm on the outside but tight and braced or frustrated on the inside. They sense when our “regulation” is actually a survival strategy — when we’re trying to control them or the moment instead of being with what’s happening inside ourselves.

That’s exactly what I was doing. The more I tried to regulate from the agenda of wanting him to calm, the more I was actually suppressing my own survival responses. I wasn’t regulating; I was clamping down on my activation — on the energy of fight, frustration, fear, and overwhelm that was rising in my body. I was pushing through my exhaustion, tightening my muscles, and holding my breath just to get through the moment. On the surface, I looked composed. Inside, I was screaming for space and rest and peace.

The Trap of Trying to Stay Calm

The harder I tried to be calm, the more I burned out. I see this all the time with the mothers I work with. We know what our child needs — safety through accommodations, co-regulation, and connection. We study it, read about it, and learn the tools. But no one teaches us what to do with our own survival energy when it gets triggered in the middle of our child’s storm. So we do what we’ve always done — we clamp down harder, hold our breath, and try to stay in control.

Every time we clamp down on our activation, the pressure builds. That suppressed energy doesn’t go away — it stays stored in the body, layer upon layer, creating chronic stress, fatigue, resentment, and despair. Sometimes clamping down seems to help temporarily. Many of us are experts at what I call pretend calm — we exhibit all the outward qualities of ventral vagal regulation: the soft voice, the kind eyes, the gentle touch. We say the right words, we sound loving and compassionate. But underneath, there’s a clamp on our activation. The body is tense, the jaw is tight, the breath shallow.

Pretend calm can sometimes stabilize our child for a moment because they sense the familiarity of our voice or gestures. But over time, it doesn’t hold. Our children can read the truth beneath our behaviors — they can feel the energy we’re transmitting. When our bodies radiate tension while our words say “you’re safe,” it creates confusion for them. And when they sense that mismatch, it heightens their panic and uncertainty.

That’s why so many of us are left wondering: Why isn’t this working? We’re doing everything we’ve been taught — using the calm voice, meeting their needs, offering safety cues — and yet it still feels like nothing changes. What I didn’t realize at the time was that my calm wasn’t real. I wasn’t connected to my body. I wasn’t allowing what was happening inside of me. I was performing regulation instead of embodying it.

And underneath all that effort to stay calm was a quiet attachment to an expectation — if I can regulate, then my child will regulate, and then I’ll finally feel safe and okay. My survival system was still in charge, holding onto the belief that my safety depended on his. It’s such a tender truth — because of course we just want everyone to feel okay. But when my body linked its sense of safety to my child’s calm, I was still regulating from control, not connection. I was still chasing peace instead of feeling it. And that unconscious attachment — that hope that I’d feel safe once he did — kept both of us looping in survival.

It wasn’t until I began learning how to truly be with my activation — to feel it, to move it, to allow it without shame — that things finally began to shift. True regulation wasn’t about trying harder to stay calm for my son. It was about letting go of the pressure to regulate so that he would regulate, and releasing the attachment to that outcome altogether. When I could allow what was happening inside me without needing him to change, my body finally softened. That’s when I started to understand what real regulation truly means.

When “Calm” Isn’t Calm

I remember one afternoon when this truth became crystal clear. I was lying on my beanbag, exhausted, trying to rest for a few minutes. My son was upset because he sensed my disconnection. For him, my “checking out” even for a moment felt like danger — as if the nervous system he relied on for safety had disappeared. He came to me distressed, wanting me to keep talking to him.

At first, I tried to respond, to meet his words with gentle reassurance, but inside I was struggling. My body was tight, my thoughts racing, and I could feel the pull between wanting to care for him and desperately needing space. I wasn’t ignoring him — I was doing my best to stay present while noticing the tension building inside me.

Then I made a choice. I brought my attention inward and began to regulate myself — not by shutting down, but by tuning in and acknowledging and allowing space for what was happening inside my body. Then I brought in safety cues - I used slow touch, grounding, and breath. I silently repeated my mantra: I allow this reaction inside me, and I allow the reaction my son is having. All is allowed.

In that moment, something shifted. My energy softened. My body relaxed. I came back into my true self — calm, open, and present.

And almost instantly, he felt it. He stopped escalating. His body softened too. I heard his voice change as he began talking quietly to himself, soothing his own nervous system and I even heard a giggle. Then, with complete genuineness, he said, “Mommy, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I love you.” He moved toward me, and we hugged.

It wasn’t people-pleasing — it was regulation. He had returned to himself. He could feel my safety and attune to it. I told him gently that he hadn’t done anything wrong and that I loved him no matter what. We had both come back to connection, but it started when I stopped trying to manage him and focused on helping myself feel safe first.

Why It Works: The Science of Safety

Our nervous systems are in constant dialogue through a process called neuroception — the subconscious scanning for cues of safety or danger. Children — especially sensitive or neurodivergent children — pick up these cues faster than we can think. Safety isn’t transmitted through words; it’s transmitted through presence.

When we’re in true regulation — what Polyvagal Theory calls the ventral vagal state — our face, tone, and energy communicate “It’s safe to connect.” When we’re in survival states like fight, flight, or freeze — even if we mask it — our system radiates cues of threat. And because children’s nervous systems are wired to co-regulate with ours, they mirror what we feel, not what we say.

This is why pretend calm doesn’t create change — it just keeps both systems in tension. But true regulation creates resonance. It invites the child’s body to remember safety again.

What Happened When I Healed My Rage

When I finally started doing the deeper work — healing the rage and shutdown patterns rooted in my own trauma — something profound happened. After years of violent outbursts, my son began to calm. The extreme rage that had filled our home started to dissolve. My husband noticed. Our caregiver noticed. Something in both of our systems had shifted.

I don’t believe it was coincidence. My son’s nervous system had been attuned to mine — just as mine had been attuned to his. When I carried unprocessed fight energy, he could feel it, even if I never acted on it. His own body mirrored that intensity. But when I was finally able to release that energy — to let my system discharge what had been held for years — he no longer carried that same level of activation. It was as if a pressure valve released in both of us.

It wasn’t that I became perfectly calm. I simply became more authentically connected. And that changed everything.

Why This Isn’t About Blame

I want to be very clear: this is not about blaming mothers. Too many parents — especially mothers — have been told that their child’s struggles are their fault. That’s not what this is. Your child’s challenges are not caused by your dysregulation. Sometimes even when we are deeply regulated, our children still struggle — because of their own internal body cues, sensory sensitivities, trauma imprints, or environmental stressors.

This work isn’t about causation. It’s about capacity. When we build our own capacity to stay connected to ourselves, we create more space for co-regulation when our children need it most. It’s about expanding what’s possible — for both of us — not about taking responsibility for everything that happens in their nervous system.

What This Work Is Really About

I don’t like to promise that when you regulate, your child will automatically regulate too. There are many factors — neurobiology, environment, sensory processing, trauma, and more. But what I can promise is that the more you find your way back to your true Self — the part of you that can allow what is — the more quickly the storms pass, and the more easily you both return to connection.

Your child doesn’t need perfection. They need your authentic presence. And you deserve to feel that presence too — not as a strategy, but as a state of being.

The Deeper Meaning: Why This Work Matters So Much

When I look back now, I can see that my son wasn’t just asking me to help him regulate — he was asking me to come home to myself. Every meltdown, every moment of despair, every time I felt powerless… it was an invitation to heal the parts of me that had never felt safe either. The parts that learned to over-function, to keep peace at all costs, to control so I wouldn’t feel the chaos inside.

Our children have a way of reflecting back the places in us that most need compassion. They become mirrors — not to show us our failures, but to show us where love still needs to reach.

And that’s what this nervous system work really is — a return to love. To safety. To the truth of who you are underneath all the survival strategies. It’s not about fixing your child. It’s about remembering that you’re both on the same path — two nervous systems longing to feel safe enough to be yourselves.

When we do this work, we don’t just change our homes — we shift what motherhood can mean. We soften generations of conditioning that told us to override, to stay calm at any cost, to hold everything together while no one held us. We start to live from presence instead of performance. And that’s what our children feel.

This work changes the world, quietly, one regulated nervous system at a time.

A Free Invitation to Rebuild Your Regulation

If you’re tired of trying to stay calm but feeling like it’s not working, or if you’re running on fumes from holding everything together, I want to help you rebuild your regulation from the inside out.

Through all of my trainings and the deep work I’ve done personally, I finally discovered what’s truly needed to stay regulated — even in the hardest moments — and to genuinely feel okay, even happy and at peace, in this life and with my child, regardless of the challenges.

Join me for my free live webinar:

The Regulation Rebuild: 12 Nervous System Shifts for Moms of High-Needs Kids

Monday, November 3rd at 1pm EST

In this training, I’ll teach you the 12 shifts that actually change your nervous system — not through control or effort, but through understanding, compassion, and body-based support. These 12 shifts are the essential pieces that will help you move from just surviving to truly thriving.

Because you deserve to feel safe, calm, and confident — not just for your child, but for you.

Click the link below or in the show notes to sign up for The Regulation Rebuild.

Your healing matters. And when you heal, your child feels it — no words needed.

Click here to sign up for The Regulation Rebuild Webinar